How to be Zeta Part 5: Kindness

"Don't give yourself a hard time about getting things wrong: to err is human. Be kind to yourself (and others) so that you have room to change for the better."

It's about 11pm & I was thinking about going to bed, when my mind got working on the concept of kindness. So here I am downstairs tapping away at my blog. To get in the spirit I have poured myself a wee whisky, even though I have already cleaned my teeth!

Such rash, anarchic exuberance!

Well, anyway. Being kind starts at home, with yourself. Most people, especially women, are not very kind to themselves. We expect so much of ourselves, one thorny part of which is the expectation to achieve our expectations.

We live in an age of Hello Magazine. OK, there are lots of other magazines,papers, TV programs, films etc etc etc, but Hello sums it up quite well. At least I think it does, since I don't often read/watch much of that kind of stuff so am not an authority. It might sound like I'm being all cultural & high brow by saying this, but it's actually much simpler than that - I just can't be arsed with any of it. Anyway, the point is that Hello (et al) peddle the idea of perfect lives led by perfect people. Beautiful, cool, rich, successful, funny, interesting, sexy people that are so much better than we are & who live such better lives. It is almost impossible not to aspire to have some of that: to be those people.

Unfortunately, they don't exist. To start with, the pictures are engineered to be highly flattering or are actually doctored, so give a sheen of beauty to the most haggard of munters. Then the stories are selective in what they portray, exaggerating the heroic & interesting and missing the boring bits or dull depression. Finally, think about why the story is in the magazine in the first place: with billions of people on the planet, there will always be something worth reporting happening to someone that the buying public will pay to read about. It's just the odds game that it's not you.

So, this rather leads to a society where people want to emulate the (secretly fictitious) people they read about. They want to be perfect. Perfect in looks, in body, in mind, in aspiration.

In fact, we get to the point where we expect it of ourselves. We feel we have failed if we are not gorgeous to look at, toned, tanned & young. We have failed if we are not funny, if people do not flock to our company & hang on our every word. We have failed if we do not wear clothes that emphasis our stunning good looks in a way that is cunningly fashionable yet slightly querky & unpredictable. We have failed if we are not rich & successful in whatever we do. We have failed if we are not extraordinary.

This is, of course, a shame as the vast majority of us are ordinary. By definition, really.

So what I am saying is give it up. Let yourself off. Be kind to yourself. If it doesn't matter if you're a bit podgy, a bit thick, a bit dull or a bit poor, then oddly you probably won't be. At least, not to the people to whom it matters, the people that you will enjoy being with & who will be true friends to you. By giving yourself space to fail, you can try whole heartedly to succeed but not get damaged if it doesn't work.

Take a moment to visualise this - no boundaries to what you can try to do, as there are no repercussions for failure (obviously within bounds of moral & legal decency, for those of you going "aha! But what if I tried to......"). If you are truly kind to yourself you can be happy with falling flat on your face, as you will be full of self-forgiveness. Having fun & having a go become so much more important than succeeding, which gives you space to become content. Possibly to succeed too, but that won't be important any more once you're content.

As an added benefit, others laughing at you becomes a minor irritation or actually quite fun in itself.

An example of kindness is my hair. I'm getting a little bit older now & my hair is not quite as rumbustious as it once was. I struggled for a while both with the disappearing hair and the fact that this bothered me, as it shouldn't: it's just vain silliness. Then I gave in, admitted that it did & that it was alright to be a bit vain & neurotic, so bought some hair-helping shampoo. It's got caffeine in it, so as a bonus I am sort of smoking through my scalp. Anyway, now I have it I have relaxed & don't mind any more about either the Shiny Scalp Syndrome or my incipient vanity. Hell, with jutting jaw, rippling muscles & sparkling eyes, who wouldn't be a bit vain? (I assume here that neither of you reading this have actually seen me).

None of us are perfect. Very, very, very few of us are actually beautiful. But most of us are attractive and would be more so if we allowed ourselves to be. Allow yourself your flaws & you will become an attractive person through being content. Why? Because you will have become what even the most rich & famous out there want to be: content, centred, enlightened. Even that Holy Grail of modern psychological achievement - Confident!

People find this attractive as it is infectious: once you have allowed yourself to become content, you will be well placed to help others find the ability to be kind to themselves and become content too.

But please just remember, being kind to yourself does not mean giving up & becoming a slob. It usually means giving yourself room to try harder, as there is truth in the saying 'the more you put in, the more you get out'.

Well, maybe just one more wee whisky to read through with!

How to be Zeta Part I: Contentment

"The objective of life is contentment. Happiness is surficial and short-lived, but contentment permeates every aspect of your life consistently, once achieved. Religions tend to talk about enlightenment, but it is basically the same thing.”

We live in a society where size matters. Everything is target driven, from government ministers obsessed by management theory to school children dominated by SATS. If something cannot be measured it has no value, as how can you compare yourself to the ‘model of perfection’ if you can’t quantify either? We are constantly told, sometimes very subtly, that to be whole and happy people we have to have enough fun, happiness, money, beauty, sex & cool stuff. If we have enough of all these, which incidentally are generally on sale or available to those who tow the party line, then we too may become models of perfection and the envy of all our friends.

{The ‘model of perfection’ seems to be based on those lifestyles of the rich & famous that are detailed in Hello magazine. Unfortunately, these bear less relevance to real life than most Mills & Boon stories, even for those of us who are actually rich & famous. So we are on a hiding to nothing if we try to measure up to these models that are commonly peddled in our society. Even more unfortunately, most of us do just that.}

Now, most of the truly important things in life are not measurable in themselves or take years to be noticed. Examples are kindness, understanding, wisdom and gratitude. Also the most important of all, contentment.

Contentment is very like enlightenment, only you don’t need to like yoga or joss sticks to indulge. I use the word indulge on purpose, as it coveys a sense of doing something wonderful but naughty. Trying to achieve contentment within our society is just that: a wonderful thing to achieve but naughty because content people make poor consumers, are less swayed by spin and less blinded by duty.

Contentment is often confused with happiness, but they are quite different. The former is a pervasive state of being, a constant boon that permeated every aspect of your life. The latter is mercurial, easily conjured by good company or good booze, for instance, but just as easily lost. Happiness can animate even the most icy heart for a while, but once gone leaves nothing behind but memories. Or possibly even depression.

Once you are content, you will be able to accept your life as it should be and ignore the model of perfection. The fashions and fads of the world will hold no sway, leaving you free to pick and choose what you want to use and what discard. You will not be stressed by you imperfections, but accept them with a sense of humour and appreciation. Being kind to yourself will allow you to grow and, most importantly, help those around you grow through your kindness to them. This is why contentment and enlightenment are so similar, as they both lead to great wisdom and the ability to help those around you.

It is not easy to be truly content. To do so you need to understand what is important to your life, then act upon it. This will be different for everyone, so there is no Haynes Manual to contentment – rather, there is a system to follow that should allow you to understand what’s right for you. The basics of this are outlined in my blog post ‘A short sharp (ish) guide to zeta’, but will be explored in greater detail soon. ish.

Zeta, gods & spirituality

We all believe in something: perhaps a god, perhaps some nebulous form of spiritual force or possibly just blind guidance by physical laws. It doesn't really matter as far as Zeta is concerned, as it is this life that we are concerned with rather than the next. Think of it as the path to heaven on earth, if you like.

It is quite possible that all theologies are correct at the same time, even the mutually exclusive ones, so it is silly to stress about which is superior. It is also rather arrogant to claim that one's own beliefs are correct and everyone else's wrong, as others believe just as strongly as you and with just as much justification.

It is interesting to note that the founders or major prophets of most religions have said similar things about the ways to reach their gods: be tolerant, be kind, be spiritual and chill out about what you have and your position in society.

This is also the way to heaven on earth, which simply means reaching a state of contentment in your life. Focusing on the spiritual in your life will make this much easier to achieve and is possibly the only route to full contentment. In this context spiritual does not necessarily mean any of the gods/astral plain/reincarnation type stuff, but does concern the inner you: your emotions, the shrouded foundations of your conscious thought, your subconscious and instinct.

For instance, being unpleasant to someone may lead to a sense of superiority, victory and elation, but brings with it stress, anger, alienation and emotional retreat. This could enhance happiness in the short term, but would almost certainly reduce contentment for the longer term. The same degree of pleasantness to others would bring a longer lasting joy, elation, connection, mutual social elevation (as opposed to lone superiority, with all its drawbacks) and emotional growth. It would also boost contentment.

Remember that happiness is an intense but fleeting feeling that comes and goes rapidly, leaving little of use behind it once gone. Contentment, on the other hand, is a stable state of being that influences all other emotions and tends to engender that rather chimeric feeling of happiness.

Most religions of the world also try to dissuade people from being proud, and that message is as relevant today as it has ever been. It is perhaps the most important message of them all, as the whole chilling out & being spiritual thing is almost impossible if you get it wrong. No spiritual chilling means no enlightenment, no pervasive contentment.

The classically religious interpretation of pride seems to be similar with boasting or big-headedness. This, I think, is slightly off the mark and is probably a misunderstanding of the teachings of men (mainly) who were, after all, some of the wisest the world has even known, even if you don't believe in their gods. Now, the Zeta interpretation of pride is 'don't take yourself too seriously', but this is basically the same as the classical teachings, only updated for a modern context.

Pride is a boon in some circumstances - pride in your children's rather dubious artwork, for instance. In fact, it can be a great source of joy and motivation to do good. But if you take yourself too seriously, the pride can very easily turn venomous. If you don't take yourself too seriously, then you can view the world through untainted eyes and feel good about just about everything. It gives you room to be understanding other people and forgive their foibles or insults, just as you should forgive yourself for your own.

Well, enough for now - it's time to stroll into the market for the week's shopping.

p.s. very proud of myself, as I wrote all that without a snigle spelling mistake!

A short sharp (ish) guide to Zeta

Finally I've plucked up courage to take the plunge - prevarication can only last so long before it becomes obvious avoidance. SO, what is Zeta? The philosophy of life can be summed up as follows (in no particular order or coherence, by the way):

1) The objective of life is contentment. Happiness is surficial and short-lived, but contentment permeates every aspect of your life consistently, once achieved. Religions tend to talk about enlightenment, but it is basically the same thing.

2) Contentment can only be achieved by taking the right course of action at each turn in life. Right means the best for you and others - taking the selfish option to the detriment of others will never lead to contentment.

3) The right course of action is obvious if you follow your instincts - follow your heart rather than your intellect. This could also be thought of as being guided by spirits/gods/guardian angels/God, depending on what you believe. Never act out of fear, duty, greed etc.

4) Life naturally tends to lead you in the right direction - taking the right course of action is not always the easiest option in the short term, but will always lead to the best overall outcome. Every time you make a wrong decision, life will throw up chances for you to get back on track, but taking that course generally becomes harder the longer you put it off.

5) Don't give yourself a hard time about getting things wrong: to err is human. Be kind to yourself (and others) so that you have room to change for the better.

6) Do not take yourself too seriously and don't judge others. You can never fully know yourself, but you should never stop trying. Always keep half an eye on what you are doing and try to make sure it fits with (2) above; but remember (5).

7) Don't chase money and never take a path purely to make more of the stuff. If you live life right then sufficient money will just crop up - sufficient to make you content, but not necessarily wealthy.

8) Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll are, for some people, just as sure a means of reaching contentment (enlightenment etc) as sitting on top of a pole for 10 years. Each to their own.

9) Always wear cheap socks inside out - they're much more comfortable that way.

Well, those are the simple tenants of Zeta, I guess, although there is a lot more to talk about with each one. That will have to wait till later, though, as I had best get back to some good honest relaxing now. I'll probably chat about Zeta, gods & spirituality next time. Probably.